So it's been a while since I've written. I've been so caught up in our trip to Disney. After Mom died, Dad told us they had been setting money aside to take the kids there. So last week on Gabriella's Fall break we went. Boy...what a time! Exhausting and exhilarating on every level.
We stayed with Mom's best friend, Vina, and family and some other friends on our way to and from Disney. Since college, Vina was always a constant friend to Mom. Now she is my friend. Saying goodbye to her to come home was tough for some reason. She is a link to Mom.
When we left for Florida, it was still hot here in Chattanooga. When we came home...it was Fall. We've been home only 4 days and I cannot explain why, but I'm struggling emotionally. I think it's the shock and overload of coming home to Fall, rather than being here while it slowly changed. The Fall has always been my favorite time of year. Mom's too. A few weeks before she died, she kept saying she felt like we were going into Fall, not Summer. I miss her so much. We always liked to do certain things in the Fall...make White Chili, make Mom's chili, go to Trunk or Treat with the kids, make pumpkin orange cookies, and many other things.
I am usually able to drink in these cool, crisp days and they energize me. But right now I feel numb to them, almost unaware of the beauty and changes. I want to pull out my pumpkins, Fall decorations and wreaths, but don't have the energy.
Dad will be moving out of the house soon. Too much house for him now. I'll be helping him get through boxes and make decisions about what to do with all of Mom's office/craft things. I'm not looking forward to it, but know it will help him. The last week of Mom's life I would ask her, "What can I do for you?" She would always answer, "Take care of your father." So, that is what I will do.
I love the Fall. I want to always love it. I'll just love it differently now.
I am reminded in Psalm 105: 3-5
"Gory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.
Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles..."
So, even though I am sad, I will "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 118: 1
About Me
- Caroline Rowell
- I am a product of a wonderful family and two parents who loved me dearly. I am married to the man of my dreams and with him am raising our two precious children. I lost my Mom to cancer on June 15, 2008. I use these blogs to not only help myself, but hopefully extend hope to others too.
3 comments:
I have enjoyed reading your blog! I am sorry that you are sad and not able to enjoy the fall as you have before. God is so gracious. It's neat for me to think about how He brings His creation back to life each Spring and how He brings His loved ones back to life as soon as they fall asleep! I'm glad you have your family and your faith!
Candice Sneed
Caroline, I just read your blog and cried with you. I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother and could feel your heartbreak in your words.
One blessing of my life has been knowing your family! Did you know that during one year of college, I was your dad's receptionist at TTU?! It was such a pleasure to meet your parents during that time, they always had a quick smile for each other and an easy laugh about anything and everything ~ when I was dating, I would remember the example of a loving wife your mother set for me. And now that I'm married, I try to live up to those standards of a Godly wife and mother that your mom has been to your dad & to you and your brother. =-)
Your mom had the best smile ~ your smile! Your mom had the loveliest voice ~ your voice! Your mom had the most contagious laugh ~ your laugh! She shared so much with you; her love of music, love of God, love of life ~ her legacy lives on in you and your family...
Now, wrap your arms and squeeze REALLY tight - that's a big hug from me! =-)
Caroline, "Pageant" is me - Anna Ralston Kerrigan! =-)
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