This post was originally sent out on August 13 to friends in an email. It's been added here for some who've asked to read it.
Yesterday my Gabriella began Kindergarten. She was so excited that she got up at 6:30 AM ready to get dressed and go to school. When I picked her up she was just as excited talking non stop telling me all about her day. She talked about making "space bubbles" in gym class and meeting the music teacher whose name is "hard to say so we just call her Mrs. H.". She told me about a boy in her class from Japan and a new friend she played with but couldn't remember her name. She showed me her papers and talked about working on her numbers and "really" learning her alphabet (although she's really known them since she was about 1 year old!).
I thought I was ready for her to go, all prepared. I did OK. But when I walked out of the building I realized all I really wanted to do was call my Mom and talk about it. Sending Gabriella to school was easier than I expected. Doing it without being able to call my Mom about it was brutal. I needed her humor, reassuring words and support. I wanted to share that milestone with her.
Mom loved school so much. She would go out each fall and buy school supplies for herself-even in recent years. She loved colored pencils, twistable crayons and color books (which, by the way, she asked me to buy for her just 2 weeks before she died!)-always creating!
Dad and I cried together. Rob and I cried together. We ALL needed her yesterday.
So, we begin this first new chapter of life without Mom. I wonder if this is how it will be at each first to come...school programs, games, field trips, birthday parties, graduations...I can't imagine I'll ever really get used to doing any of this without being able to talk to Mom. You see, talking to Mom always validated any experience I'd have or was looking forward to. I'm sure I miss her more today than 8 weeks ago.
Well, I'm off to get the oil changed in the car and pick up milk. Life continues. I hope you have a great day-whatever chapter you are in.
Later.
I did leave one thing out of the previous email and after 30 rock solid minutes on the treadmill, the Lord has instructed me to let you know about it. The Lord showed me it was OK to ask you to weep with me while I was weeping, but I failed to ask you to rejoice with me too. Paul says, "Rejoice in the Lord always, again, I say rejoice." He said it twice-must be that even then people needed to be reminded as I was today. But, Lord, my Mom...yes, rejoice. But, Lord, I can't call her...yes, rejoice. "Cast your burden on me...I will sustain you." He reminded me gently that He is my all. He is my comfort, my strength, my shelter, the lifter of my head. During some crying moments yesterday, Ethan (3), came up to me with a tissue and said, "I want to wipe your tears". Precious. A little picture of God's love. So, may we all be encouraged today. How great is God's goodness which He has stored up for those of us who love and fear Him. He also reminded me that I will have all eternity to share these milestones that Mom is missing. And who knows, maybe just maybe she can peak over and see a few of these moments herself. I like to think so. Enough devotions for today. But I am learning constantly and hope you are too.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Life, post-Disney
I cannot seem to perk up since being home from the Disney trip. Maybe it's because the planning, the build up, and the excitement is now over. I'm wondering what's next, where do I apply my energy?
There is one thing I keep thinking about that maybe explains my emotional slump. The last day we were at Disney World, we raced to Epcot as it opened to be among the first to ride "Soarin". It's a very popular ride and we had been unable to ride it earlier in the week due to the long wait and lack of Fast Passes. It's popular for good reason. It simulates flying over the earth, over every kind of terrain. There's an eagle's eye view for each scene you "fly" over. There's even slight temperature and scent changes (for example, while flying over the orange groves, you can actually smell the oranges). It is truly spectacular.
Most people I'm sure just ride this ride, enjoying it for what it is. A ride, an escape, temporarily being transported someplace other than the normal and mundane. It evokes feelings of freedom, exhilaration, and breathlessness. But then it's over. Most people get off and for a few minutes talk about how cool it was. Then they move on to the next thrill.
But for me, this ride took me someplace else. All I could think about was that must be what my Mom is doing right now. She is soaring and the view must be amazing.
As much as I was enjoying the ride for what it was, it was still just a ride displaying man's imagination. This was man's creation. And I wondered, what will God's imagination revealed be like in the new heaven and new earth? We're clearly told in 1 Corinthians 2:9, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."
Man's creation here-"Soarin", and all of Disney, as awesome as it is, it's all still created with fallen world materials. How much more will our hearts leap when we experience what God has for us?
Just before Epcot opened that day, we were waiting. As we stood, the crowd built, the music played. Everyone watched as the Disney staff ("cast members") stood just on the other side of the rope. There were announcements over the music letting us know that in just a few minutes the park would open...Then more music, more waiting. Then finally, the real opening, the welcome, the musical crescendo, the staff moving the rope away and we're off...!
Dad said, "Disney knows how to build the anticipation and then exceed the expectation". So true. For a few months we looked forward to this trip, we planned, we saved, we packed, we traveled...and we did experience the amazing trip we hoped for...actually, more than we hoped.
There's more anticipation building, there's something more coming. No, we are not heading back to Disney soon. But, if you listen for the music and the announcements, you too will know. God is preparing something far beyond anticipation or imagination for those who love Him. When it finally comes, let's go and enjoy...what He is preparing for us will exceed all our expectations!
There is one thing I keep thinking about that maybe explains my emotional slump. The last day we were at Disney World, we raced to Epcot as it opened to be among the first to ride "Soarin". It's a very popular ride and we had been unable to ride it earlier in the week due to the long wait and lack of Fast Passes. It's popular for good reason. It simulates flying over the earth, over every kind of terrain. There's an eagle's eye view for each scene you "fly" over. There's even slight temperature and scent changes (for example, while flying over the orange groves, you can actually smell the oranges). It is truly spectacular.
Most people I'm sure just ride this ride, enjoying it for what it is. A ride, an escape, temporarily being transported someplace other than the normal and mundane. It evokes feelings of freedom, exhilaration, and breathlessness. But then it's over. Most people get off and for a few minutes talk about how cool it was. Then they move on to the next thrill.
But for me, this ride took me someplace else. All I could think about was that must be what my Mom is doing right now. She is soaring and the view must be amazing.
As much as I was enjoying the ride for what it was, it was still just a ride displaying man's imagination. This was man's creation. And I wondered, what will God's imagination revealed be like in the new heaven and new earth? We're clearly told in 1 Corinthians 2:9, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."
Man's creation here-"Soarin", and all of Disney, as awesome as it is, it's all still created with fallen world materials. How much more will our hearts leap when we experience what God has for us?
Just before Epcot opened that day, we were waiting. As we stood, the crowd built, the music played. Everyone watched as the Disney staff ("cast members") stood just on the other side of the rope. There were announcements over the music letting us know that in just a few minutes the park would open...Then more music, more waiting. Then finally, the real opening, the welcome, the musical crescendo, the staff moving the rope away and we're off...!
Dad said, "Disney knows how to build the anticipation and then exceed the expectation". So true. For a few months we looked forward to this trip, we planned, we saved, we packed, we traveled...and we did experience the amazing trip we hoped for...actually, more than we hoped.
There's more anticipation building, there's something more coming. No, we are not heading back to Disney soon. But, if you listen for the music and the announcements, you too will know. God is preparing something far beyond anticipation or imagination for those who love Him. When it finally comes, let's go and enjoy...what He is preparing for us will exceed all our expectations!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Fall
So it's been a while since I've written. I've been so caught up in our trip to Disney. After Mom died, Dad told us they had been setting money aside to take the kids there. So last week on Gabriella's Fall break we went. Boy...what a time! Exhausting and exhilarating on every level.
We stayed with Mom's best friend, Vina, and family and some other friends on our way to and from Disney. Since college, Vina was always a constant friend to Mom. Now she is my friend. Saying goodbye to her to come home was tough for some reason. She is a link to Mom.
When we left for Florida, it was still hot here in Chattanooga. When we came home...it was Fall. We've been home only 4 days and I cannot explain why, but I'm struggling emotionally. I think it's the shock and overload of coming home to Fall, rather than being here while it slowly changed. The Fall has always been my favorite time of year. Mom's too. A few weeks before she died, she kept saying she felt like we were going into Fall, not Summer. I miss her so much. We always liked to do certain things in the Fall...make White Chili, make Mom's chili, go to Trunk or Treat with the kids, make pumpkin orange cookies, and many other things.
I am usually able to drink in these cool, crisp days and they energize me. But right now I feel numb to them, almost unaware of the beauty and changes. I want to pull out my pumpkins, Fall decorations and wreaths, but don't have the energy.
Dad will be moving out of the house soon. Too much house for him now. I'll be helping him get through boxes and make decisions about what to do with all of Mom's office/craft things. I'm not looking forward to it, but know it will help him. The last week of Mom's life I would ask her, "What can I do for you?" She would always answer, "Take care of your father." So, that is what I will do.
I love the Fall. I want to always love it. I'll just love it differently now.
I am reminded in Psalm 105: 3-5
"Gory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.
Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles..."
So, even though I am sad, I will "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 118: 1
We stayed with Mom's best friend, Vina, and family and some other friends on our way to and from Disney. Since college, Vina was always a constant friend to Mom. Now she is my friend. Saying goodbye to her to come home was tough for some reason. She is a link to Mom.
When we left for Florida, it was still hot here in Chattanooga. When we came home...it was Fall. We've been home only 4 days and I cannot explain why, but I'm struggling emotionally. I think it's the shock and overload of coming home to Fall, rather than being here while it slowly changed. The Fall has always been my favorite time of year. Mom's too. A few weeks before she died, she kept saying she felt like we were going into Fall, not Summer. I miss her so much. We always liked to do certain things in the Fall...make White Chili, make Mom's chili, go to Trunk or Treat with the kids, make pumpkin orange cookies, and many other things.
I am usually able to drink in these cool, crisp days and they energize me. But right now I feel numb to them, almost unaware of the beauty and changes. I want to pull out my pumpkins, Fall decorations and wreaths, but don't have the energy.
Dad will be moving out of the house soon. Too much house for him now. I'll be helping him get through boxes and make decisions about what to do with all of Mom's office/craft things. I'm not looking forward to it, but know it will help him. The last week of Mom's life I would ask her, "What can I do for you?" She would always answer, "Take care of your father." So, that is what I will do.
I love the Fall. I want to always love it. I'll just love it differently now.
I am reminded in Psalm 105: 3-5
"Gory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.
Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles..."
So, even though I am sad, I will "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 118: 1
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